In their clubhouse on Canberra Avenue, the shadowy Kanberra Kricket Klub is convening a special meeting to discuss this year’s budget proposals. All elected officials are present at the head table and a sizable contingent of Ordinary Members fill the plastic chairs lining the rear of the room.
Tony (Chair)
Welcome all. I see we have a uh quorum so I’ll declare this meeting open. Tonight we are here to discuss proposals put forward in Joe’s budget but, but, time allowing, we will deal with any ah General Business that arises.
Could I be the first to say ah Joe that I am ah I am greatly impressed and ah heartened to see that you have brought the Klub’s finances back into the, the, the black after such a shocking shortfall last season.
Joe
Thank-you Mr Chair. The Kanberra Kricket Klub can move forward this year with confidence and certainty now that the budget is showing a surplus.
Andrew
Tell ‘em how you did it, Joe?
Joe
How WE did it, Andrew. (chuckle) Well, it wasn’t too hard really. We just sat down with a couple of bottles and a piece of paper and moved the numbers around, added them up, moved them around some more, had a drink, cut a whole heap of projects, moved the numbers around a bit more, added them up again and Hey Presto! - a surplus! I don’t know why those guys over at the ALP are always making such a fuss.
Malcolm
How much did you manage to save?
Joe
Forty-seven THOUSAND dollars!
Malcolm (smiling)
That’s a big number.
Joe (frowning)
Hey! You KNEW I wanted to say that!
Malcolm
I'm not saying that you’re cooking the books but there is something fishy here. I’d like to see your modelling.
Joe
You mean like - casual evening wear? Formal? Swimwear?
Malcolm
Ee-ooh no! I meant economic modelling. Doesn’t matter. How did you swing such big savings? Cut a deal with the minors, did you? Higher membership fees.
Unknown (from the back of the room)
No! New! Taxes!
Tony
There will be NO NEW TAXES! How many times do I have to say it?
Joe (waving a single sheet of A4) (double spaced)
Have you bothered to read my briefing notes?
Tony
Malcolm, I think you are uh you are being uh obstructionist. I’m still not sure how it is that you are allowed to speak at these meetings.
Malcolm
Because when you shafted me, Tony, forty-nine percent of the Klub thought I should be given a position at the table.
Tony
Yeah but it’s not really a position, is it? Member in Charge of the Trophy Cabinet. The bloody thing’s ....... uh ....... the thing’s .... ah ......... the bloody thing’s bloodywell empty!
Malcolm
That’s not the point though is it? We wouldn’t want to be taken by surprise by a win this year and find we were unprepared to accommodate our shining achievement.
Win or lose, always be prepared, Mr Chair. Be very prepared.
A furtive movement in the doorway attracts the room’s attention. All eyes turn to a forlorn bespectacled figure slinking into a front row seat.
Tony
John! John? What are you doing here?
John
I was just passing and I thought perhaps you could use my help.
Barnaby
Having a bit of trouble filling your days, eh John? I’d have thought something on the world stage would be more in your league.
John
Yes. Ahem. As you very well know Barnaby, I put in for a job but they said I didn’t have enough experience. It seems running a country for eleven years wasn’t good enough for them. I thought some old friends (who owe me one or two favours) might be able to help with some on-the-job training. Deputy Chair perhaps, that sort of thing.
I’ve got over fifty-five years experience in watching cricket, you know.
Tony
That’s ah very kind of you John but as you can see we ah already have a Deputy Chair.
John
Yes but she’s a female. What does she know about googlies and doosras and yorkers and switch-hitting?
There is a loud crackling of electricity, the distinct smell of ozone in the air and a sickening crunching of bones and tendons as Julie turns her head through 360 degrees.
David
Oh knock it off Julie! We all know they’re just contact lenses.
John
That’s a neat trick with the ozone though. I could’ve used that back in the day.
Tony
John, we really ah must press on. You’re ah welcome to stay and observe if you like. Joe, the Treasurer’s Report.
Joe
Thank-you Mr Chair. Since you’re being so picky Malcolm, we’ll go through my COMPREHENSIVE briefing notes. First we rethought our border protection plans.
David
Oh no. We are still building the three metre fence around the oval, aren’t we?
Joe
Ah, no. Sorry David. It’s a bit complicated but what has happened is that Julie - thanks Jules, beaut job girlie - went round the neighbouring houses and collected pledges for money to help build the fence.
Barnaby
Why would they do that? Why pledge money for a fence which is of no bloody use to them
Julie
The erection of the fence would stop cricket balls smashing windows and damaging cars in nearby houses.
Sophie
You are joking, aren’t you? The pitch is five hundred metres from the nearest house.
Julie (glaring myopically)
Never-the-less SOPHIE, there were several instances of cricket balls going through windows at all hours of the day and night. They all thought it prudent to make a pledge towards the project. Co-incidentally, most pledges were roughly equivalent to the cost of a new window. Funny really.
Joe
Right, so. Julie has pledges for three thousand dollars. Bruce, our small businessman, has got a mate who was gonna put the fence up for half price, so that would have saved us another four grand and the local hardware shop was gonna knock 25% off the cost of materials - about five thousand dollars there.
(muttering) So that’s three plus four plus five, carry the one, multiply by ten, strike off two zeros, move the decimal point one place to the left, divide by ten and multiply by a thousand. Wow.
Since we’re not gonna build the fence now, we’ve saved TWELVE THOUSAND DOLLARS just on that one project alone.
(applause)
Malcolm
I don’t want to nitpick but how can you regard as savings, money which you haven’t collected
Joe
You surprise me Mal. This is Grade Eight Home Economics. If you don’t spend money then it’s a saving. Simple as that.
We were going to have to borrow twenty-eight thousand dollars to get the project started and now that we’re not building it, I wanted to put that money in the budget but Tony and Andrew thought we should save it for a rainy day.
Andrew
We may have to revise that bottom line figure, Joe. Some of the locals are paid-up members and reckon they would be coughing up twice. Some were threatening to boycott the club.
Unknown (from the back of the room)
Too bloody right!! No! New! Taxes!
Julie
It wasn’t a tax! It was an extortion! No. Wait. A donation.
Joe (scribbling frantically with a pencil)
Ah no - now I’m gonna have to print all these pages again. Bugger.
Tony
That was pretty sloppy, Joe.
Joe
Listen Monk-breath ........
Bronwyn
Boys. Boys. Play nice.
Tony & Joe
Sorry Bronnie.
Scott
I thought this was going to be a more consultative committee? It seems like you and Joe and Andrew and Julie are making all the decisions. Sounds like a gang of .......
Tony
Don’t you dare! Don’t you bloody dare! We are ..... we are uh ............ collegiate. We’re consulting with you now aren’t we? So. Scott. What do you think about ah shelving our new perimeter fence until such time as we are better able to afford it?
Scott
I don’t like it. I think we need a fence and we need it as soon as possible!
Tony
Good. Thank-you Scott. See. A free and uh fair exchange of views and I’m sure we’re a better committee for it. There WON'T be a fence. But you ah you were consulted. Next item.
Joe
Training. Unfortunately, we have had to scale back our weekend workshops from three this season to one.
Christopher
That’s a pretty big “scale back”. So who’s still coming? Greg Chappell, Glen McGrath or Shane Warne?
Joe
We’ve all got to tighten our belts, Chris. Luckily, John has pulled a few strings and we’ve got John Senden - rated number ninety-nine in the world - at a very reasonable price.
Christopher
But he’s a golfer!
John
Ricky Ponting is a keen golfer AND he’s a former number one batsman in the world. Third highest run scorer of all time, record-breaking captain, superb in the field - surely if it’s good enough for Ricky, it’s good enough for you.
Christopher
Look maybe we could pass the hat around and ......
Unknown (from the back of the room)
No! New! Taxes!
Joe
For goodness sake, will you be quiet! I’m sorry Chris, it was either the training budget or the wine list that got trimmed and this year you lose out.
Sophie, you can tell us more about the changes we’ve made to the BNS.
Tony Smith
No! Not my beautiful new scoreboard!
Sophie (terse)
We will not be going ahead with the proposed hi-tech hi-speed BNS (which we don’t need) and will instead be trialling different coloured fluoro chalk to make the numbers JUMP off the blackboard. This will also contribute to our LCE target - Low Carbon Emissions, Barnaby. By taking this decision we no longer need to borrow eighteen thousand dollars from the bank and we can count this as a saving.
Tony Smith
But it was going to pay for itself, renting it out as an advertising hoarding during the week. Five years! Five years and we would have had our money back and be turning a profit. Now we’ll be the laughing stock of the ACT. All of NSW probably. Not to mention Sweden. A blackboard! This is taking us back to the dark ages.
Ah! What’re you going to do when it rains?
Tony (snide)
When it rains you ah (chuckle) you ah ...... you can’t play Smithy.
(general laughter)
Malcolm
What’s this at Item Four? A PPL? What’s that?
Joe
This is Tony’s idea so I’ll let him explain.
Tony
I’m ah particularly proud of this. It’s a Pay Parents to Leave scheme. The idea is that once they’ve dropped their kids off we want them to ....... ah .... to ......... to ..... leave. Instead of hanging around here all afternoon (rather than in the kitchen where they belong) shouting ah encouragement to their kids and clapping for every flaming run made, we will pay them to ah ..... go home. I think we can all agree that they are uh they are spoiling the uh ambience of the facilities. Some afternoons, I can hardly hear the ......... uh .......... the television in the bar.
Malcolm
How can we afford this?
Tony
We have devised an ah ..... an ah .... an ELEGANT solution. Every time one of our uh batsmen scores more than twenty-five runs, he puts twenty-five dollars in the kitty. Then he pays a uh a uh levy of one dollar seventy for every ten runs after that.
Unknown (from the back of the room)
No! New! Taxes!
Tony
It’s a levy! It’s a bloody LEVY awright?
Malcolm
That doesn’t sound particularly fair. Isn’t that a financial disincentive to succeeding? I mean, the players aren’t going to like it very much.
Tony
I think you’ve been knocking around with your commie mates over at the ah the ah Association of Lawnbowls Players too long, Mal. The players understand that the decisions we make are for the uh ..... the uh .... greater good. WE are the only ones who can see the big picture and WE are the only ones tough enough to make the hard choices.
Joe
Okay. Item Five. Lowering our carbon footprint. Barnaby, Sophie and Greg have been working together on this. Barnaby?
Barnaby
Cheers Joe. I’m a bit peeved you decided to call your PPL an “elegant” idea Tony, ‘cause I was gonna call this an "elegant" idea. Sort of stole my thunder there. "Elegant" ideas don’t grow on trees you know.
(pause for effect) (none)
Anyway, we did some research and Sophie found that the Chinese are working with an innovative new product called (shuffling papers) called “con-crete”. So what we’re gonna do is rip up that bloody awful grass pitch and put down a maintenance-free con-crete one. Doesn’t need watering, doesn’t need mowing, doesn’t need rolling - I don’t know why no-one’s thought of this before. It’ll pay for itself inside the first year.
Greg
Not only that, we can charge visiting teams a Pitch Maintenance Levy - SHUT UP - it’s a LEVY, so that we can give it a fresh coat of green paint every season.
Barnaby
But wait there’s more!
(pause for effect) (none)
No? Too old? Sorry.
We’ve calculated that if we don’t use the sprinkler system we’ll use less water.
(pause for approval) (not forthcoming)
Gee. Tough house tonight.
If the grass dies, we save on mowing, tractor maintenance, fuel, fertilizer and groundsman’s fees. We just put the sprinklers on the night before a match so the clubhouse doesn’t get covered in dust. Don’t want to spoil the food, do we ladies?
Ladies
(titters)
Sophie
So we will have reduced our carbon output AND saved money.
Malcolm
Bob’s not going to like this.
Barnaby
Bob?
Malcolm
Brown. The groundsman.
Tony
Is he under contract? No? Then sack him. We’re not going to ruin the entire planet just to keep one groundsman happy.
Malcolm
What do the players think about playing in the mud?
Joe
Yeah yeah okay Lefty! Here we go again. Jesus!
Tony
Joe! You know how uh strongly I feel about blasphemy.
Joe
Yeah. About as strongly as you feel about lying, sex outside marriage and throwing children to the sharks!
Tony
Why you fat overblown ..........
Joe
What’s the matter Wingnut? Don’t like it when ..........
Bronwyn
Boys! Don’t make me speak to you again.
Helen
Don’t be too harsh, Bron. You know what WARRIORS are like, they’re just SO strong they can’t help themselves sometimes. I think it’s dreamy.
Malcolm
I see there’s fifteen hundred dollars put aside for mental health. That’s a lot isn’t it?
Joe
I have no doubt that you would know that Andrew has been plagued by the black dog of late and so it was decided on compassionate grounds that the club would put fifteen hundred dollars on to a bar tab for him.
Malcolm
But surely alcohol’s not the solution if he’s suffering from depression?
Tony
No, but we reckon with a bar tab that size, he’s going to have lots more friends! (chuckle)
Joe
While we are talking health, Peter has put in a request for increased funding for the First Aid box. Perhaps you could explain further, Peter.
Peter
Thanks. As the committee is no doubt aware, our general membership is rapidly aging and there has been a concomitant demand for band-aids, ice-packs, pain killers and the like to help alleviate injuries sustained from falls - particularly in the bar. To help fund this expansion of our health care system without raising - SHUT UP - without raising taxes, Warren and I have decided to liquidate some of the new equipment provided to us last year by the state government. To this end we will be selling all new shin-guards, chest protectors, elbow-guards, glove inners and boxes. Barnaby suggested we sell the bats too but we found this harder to justify.
Malcolm
Peter, do you mind if I ask, do you ever have people, you know, complete strangers, come up to you and say they’d like to punch you in the face?
Peter (surprised)
No! Why?
Malcolm
Oh, no reason really, it’s just a bit of a hobby of mine. People’s faces. My Mum used to say when women saw Dean Martin’s face, they had an overwhelming urge to kiss him on the cheek. When men see Clint Eastwood’s face, they want to stand beside him and glare at whoever he’s glaring at - “You feeling lucky punk?” When people see Kevin Rudd’s face they want to spray his glasses with whipped cream. When I look at your face ..............
Peter (eminently punchable)
We. Will. Be. Using. The. Derived. Income. For. The. Benefit. Of. All. Members.
Malcolm
The players are REALLY not going to like this. And aren’t you going to risk higher outlays through players getting injured?
Tony
Let us ah worry about the players. You obviously have no expertise in this field. Once they see the budget is returned to surplus, they’ll come flocking back.
David
Sorry to revisit old ground but if we’re not building the fence, what are we going to do about strange kids using the field?
John
TURN THE BIKES BACK!!
Joe
Thanks John.
Tony
TURN THE BIKES BACK!!
Joe
Bloody hell.
Malcolm
All well and good but some mothers don’t want their kids under their feet all afternoon. And what if they just won’t go?
George (from the back of the room)
What harm are they doing? Surely we’re not afraid of a few kids?
David
It’s not just the fact that they come here. It’s a moral and cultural point of principle. They bring all sorts of baggage with them. Strange clothes. Strange food. Strange music. Ich. Strange perfumes. Strange languages - have you heard the way they talk?
They don’t hold the same values as us and we have a duty to uphold and maintain our culture. They threaten the very foundations on which this club was built by bringing in foreign ideas and heathen practices. Not to mention the footballs, basketballs, soccer balls, sorry, “football” balls, Frisbees, kites and baseballs. We’ve even had GIRLS on the park with SOFTBALLS.
George (from the back of the room)
I still don’t see the problem.
John
WE will decide WHO comes to this oval and the circumstances in which .................
Tony
Yeh thanks John. We ah we like to think we’ve ah we’ve moved on from that sort of talk.
Scott
The Rottweiler Solution!!
Various
Ooh yes.
Of course.
The rottweilers!
Yes, yes.
I like dogs.
Sic ‘em boys!
You’re right Scott.
I prefer cats meself.
Go the Dogs!!
Scott (frothing)
Rend! Tear! Bite! Batter! Maim!
Damage! Disembowel! Devastate! Mutilate!
Mangle! Wreck! Wound!
Crack! Crunch! Cripple!
(pauses for breath)
The ensuing silence is only interrupted by sounds of heavy breathing, subtle rearranging of clothes and foreheads being dabbed dry with lace-edged handkerchiefs.
Scott (spraying foam)
Slash! Gash! Gouge! Split! Spurt!
Ravage! Rupture! Disable! Debilitate! Dissever!
Incapacitate! Eviscerate! Emasculate!
Lacerate! Perforate! Pierce! Puncture! Pulverise!
(sits back, flushed and elated)
Heavy breathing and nervous coughs continue for several minutes.
Bronwyn
Ooh Scott, that was pure poetry. I feel as giddy as a schoolgirl.
Helen
That was just SO naughty! You get an extra scone later for that.
Tony
Scott, that was ah that was most enjoyable. You know I like the Rottweiler Solution but now that I’m ah ..... I’m the Chair of the Klub, I don’t think ah that I can be seen ah running around the oval chasing children.
Scott (still over-excited)
No, no, no! Not you! REAL dogs! Rending and crunching and .......
Sophie
Now now. Don’t get me started again.
Malcolm (smug)
But we don’t have a fence. Remember?
Tony
Oh. True, true. George, any ideas.
George
I think we would be on pretty safe ground if we detained them and held them in the toilet block for a couple of days in order to verify their claims about being children.
As I understand the LPA - the UN’s Little Person’s Act of 2001 - if we find that they have no papers and are therefore, by default, dwarfs pretending to be children, we would be well within our rights to barbeque and eat them.
A stunned silence fills the room.
More than one Member is quietly contemplating the tenderising effect of dog bites. To season or not to season? What would Matt Preston do?
Tony
I’m ah .... I’m ah ..... I’m a bit skeptical about your ah interpretation there ah George. Perhaps you could do a bit more ah research and get back to us.
Let’s leave that for now.
Christopher, how is our ah recruitment drive going?
Christopher
Well it’s good and bad really.
We could do with some more bowlers ..........
John
I bowl a pretty mean right arm orthodox!
Tony
John? John? Where are you? Come out from under the table.
Scott
Orthodox?
Barnaby
I thought you were going to keep a low profile once you left politics?
John
I’m under the table at some second-rate suburban cricket club listening to a bunch of morons rabbiting on about eating small children. How much lower do you want me?
Christopher
I think you may be a bit old for what we’re looking for, Mr Howard.
John
Look. I just want to say that I’m prepared to serve the Klub in any way you see fit.
Joe
Gees. What is it with ex-Prime Ministers?
Christopher
Anyway, as I was saying, we’ve found a couple of good prospects. A quick bowler and a wicketkeeper/batsman who’re showing promise. But ............. but ...
Tony
Out with it boy.
Christopher
Well the only problem is that they are ................... um ......................... they’re Ghanian refugees.
Tony
Oh.
Christopher
Which presents us with a number of philosophical and moral dilemmas. For a start, they are very, um ............. very ............. ah ............. tall.
Ladies
Mmmmm.
Christopher
And incredibly fit and strong.
Ladies
Mmmmmmmmmm.
Christopher
And they are ..................... uh .................... they are uh ............................................ they’re very ........ um .......... black.
Ladies
Oh.
Christopher
Not just, sort of, “every day” black you know? They’re very um ...... very ................. they’re very dark black.
George (from the back of the room)
What’s your point?
Christopher
Well I wouldn’t want them to feel ...... uncomfortable here, that’s all. Everyone else here is of a “normal” height and ............ and “ordinary” physique and ...... and ........ “average” skin colour. They might feel .......... inferior in some way.
Tony
That’s very uh considerate of you Christopher, after all they’ve been through, we wouldn’t want to ah add to their uh burden. Perhaps next season when they’ve had more of a chance to assimilate, they might feel a bit more liberal and tolerant.
Joe
So to summarise, Mr Chair, through the savings accrued from not building the perimeter fence, not borrowing to finance the BNS, cutting our workforce by 20%, scaling back our training and education programmes, opting for "greener" alternatives on the field, liquidating superfluous assets and levying high achievers to fund our PPL scheme, I can safely forecast a budget surplus this year of eleven dollars and fifty cents. Minimum.
(applause)
From the front of an unruly crowd gathered in the doorway, a flame-haired Welsh witch shows off for her mates.
Julia
Hoy! What are you bludgers doing here? We’ve got a meeting tonight, so piss off!
Bronwyn & Helen
Ooh the language.
Tony
Ooh the breasts.
Julia
Go on - on ya bikes! Bloody wannabes.
Tony (shaking his fist)
One of these days, Julia, one of these days.
Julia
In your dreams Phoney.
Tony
Just you wait ‘til the next AGM. We’ve got plans that are gonna cream you.
Julia
Yeah awright Tony. Just don’t slam the door on your way ut.
Julie (hand on Tony’s biceps)
C’mon Iron Man. We’ve got miles to go before we sleep.
Tony
Mm.
Lindsay (examining Joe’s briefing notes)
This bunch couldn’t organise a ***k in a brothel.
Wayne (from the back of the room)(giggling)
No! New! Taxes!
