Tony Abbott reckons questions about his leadership and (lack of) policies could come thick and fast any day now, so he has bummed the money off Lindsay Fox to take out a lease on the ramshackle Nauru asylum-seeker centre. Being in such a state of disrepair, it makes the house that jack built look like the Taj Mahal, and so he has got it for a song. In future, any time the heat is on, he plans to high-tail it up there for a bit of respite.
So, the other day he got word that he was going to be tackled on the issue of whether he was going to call for a plebiscite on cutting government services if he were to gain power and implement his Direct Action policy on reducing the emission of greenhouse gases. Understandably, Tones jumps in Lindsay’s jet and heads off for a bit of R&R on Nauru.
Since his last visit, however, the joint is in an even worse state. There are holes in the roof, windows are missing, and it looks worse than Rome did after the Barbarians left their calling card. Even still, Tones finds a relatively tidy spot in a corner of a dorm, rolls out his swag, and settles down for a siesta after the long flight.
However, he has no sooner drifted off into a light slumber when he is suddenly woken by some clown in the yard outside bellowing at him through what sounds like a megaphone.
Voice: Tony! Tony Abbott! Come on out! This is your lucky day!
[To say that Tones is peeved at being aroused from his slumber, would be an understatement. He grabs one of the many pieces of broken ceiling plaster that litter the floor, intending to hurl it at the idiot who dared to wake him. However, upon peering out the glassless window, in order to get sufficient bearings to accurately launch his missile, Tones recognises immediately who is on the megaphone. It is none other than those two superstars of the renovation business, Julia “The Joiner” Gillard, and Wayne “Sawdust” Swan!
[Tones can’t believe his luck. Those two world-famous put-it-righters, Jooles and Swannie, are outside and ready to give his place a makeover and, more importantly, he won’t have to fork out a cent! He runs outside and greets the two life-savers, jumping up and down on the spot for joy. Then, as is her trademark, Jooles talks to whoever she is addressing on her megaphone.]
Jooles (bellowing): Right, Tones...it looks like you have provided us with the biggest challenge in any of our previous series...
[Jooles’ opening remarks are cut off abruptly by Tones who, even with his hands over his ears, is nearly deafened by Jooles’ megaphonery.]
Tones: STOP THE MEGAPHONES!!!! Pheeeww! That’s better...now, Jooles, when can you and Swannie start the renovations? I’ll be PM soon and I want to invite other world leaders, like Sarah Palin, Rupert Murdoch, and Niccolo Machiavelli over here to spend some time at my hacienda.
[Jooles is just about to lift her megaphone to answer Tones. However, as he delivers one of his infamous head-nodding death stares, she has second thoughts.]
Jooles: Oh, no problems, Tones...In fact, why don’t you go for a little leisurely bike-ride a few times around the island and, by the time you’re finished, we’ll have everything ship-shape for you, ready for the place to receive all your high-flying guests...heh...heh...
[Tones doesn’t need any further invitations. He jumps on his bike and heads off down the track that circles the island. Meanwhile, Jooles and Swannie unload the chisels, planes, borers and saws from the back of Kev’s old ute, and crank up the jig saws and nailguns, and get to work. In a while, and true to their word, they welcome Tones back from his ride to a sight that brings tears of joy to his eyes. Jooles and Swannie lead him on a tour of what looks to him like a brand-new centre.]
Tones: Wow!!!! This looks great, guys...you have certainly done a terrific job...And I just love the brightness of the place – the paint is so clean and white – did you get it locally?
Swannie: Erm...Yes, my word, Tones! In fact, the raw material for the paint is actually very common on the island...hee...hee...
[Just at that moment, Tones, who is standing under a particularly wet section of the newly-painted ceiling, experiences, on the top of his head, a drop of ‘paint’. Swannie rushes over to wipe the offending deposit off Tones’ noggin with his handkerchief.]
Swannie: Oh my gosh, Tones...I’m ever so sorry...here, let me clean you up...
Tones (stoically): Nah, don’t worry about it, Swannie...
Swannie: Yeah, that’s the spirit, Tones – as you say, “birdshit happens”...heh...heh...
Tones: But yeah, Swannie, I’m really impressed by the job you’ve done...So, just tell me what other innovations you’ve included...I can’t wait to get on the boatphone and tell Julie and Scott and the rest of the gang...
Swannie: Righto...erm...well, as you can see, we’ve put a new TV in every room...
[Tones is delighted. Once the Indos come to their senses, he’ll be able to see himself on the ABC every night, with Chris Uhlmann indulgently intoning, “the Government says...” However, Tones is disturbed from his reverie by the sight of some device or other plonked on top of each TV.]
Tones: Erm...Swannie...what’s that contraption on top of the TV’s, mate?
Swannie: Oh, they’re just set-top boxes, Tones – they’re the latest in digital technology, y’know...
[Tones is starting not to like the sound of this. However, Swannie continues with his overview of the renovations.]
Swannie: And as I was saying, Tones, we’ve included computer connection points in each room...
Tones: Oh very swish, Swannie! Copper, I hope?
Swannie: No way, Tones! You’re obviously no tech-head when it comes to these matters...No, only the best – fibre optic cables, exactly according to NBN (“Nauruan Best-practices Network”) specifications...
[Tones is becoming increasingly uneasy and Swannie wants to milk this opportunity for all its worth – he’s not called Schadenfreude Swannie for nothing!]
Swannie: And all the roof cavities are chockers with pink batts to keep the heat out and cut down on the air-conditioning bills...And we’ve brought the Building the Education Revolution to these shores by including a brand new classroom for visiting school excursions...
[Jooles, tag-team style, carries on the litany.]
Jooles: And we’ve dug a well out the back, so that Joe Hockey will feel at home with a great new big black hole nearby...And, we’ve put lots of copies of the Productivity Commission’s reports in the dunnies for Barnaby to use as toilet paper...Oh, and we’ve put the local guano producers on GullChoices instead of WorkChoices, which has made them a lot chirpier...heh...heh...and...
[At this stage of Jooles’ and Swannie’s report, Tones is so ready to erupt, he would make the recent Chilean volcano look like a sparrow fart.]
Tones: STOP THE RENOVATIONS!!!! I CAN”T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT!!!!
[Angrily, Tones pulls out the boatphone, punches in a few numbers and lets it ring. However, it soon seems that his addressee is unavailable. He leaves a message on his voice-mail.]
Tones (very abruptly): Malcolm! This is Tony! I want you to get yourself and your private yacht up here to Nauru as quickly as your propellers can carry you...Oh, and put on your Demolition Man gear...and bring your sledgehammer...I’ve got a job for you to do...
[Tones hangs up, and turns to Jooles.]
Tones: And you two can bugger off n’ all...I’ll soon have this place back the way it was, and it’ll be all the better for it...
Jooles: Alright, suit yourself mate...But, be warned...Malcolm mightn’t show up...In fact, we’re heading down to the Indo’s territory, where they’ve experienced some terrible floods and they want us to help them fix up their devastated buildings...I heard that Malcolm might be more interested in helping them than coming up here...So, why don’t you and your Demolition Derby mates stay permanently up here and you can live in your very own plebs’ site...Hasta la vista, baby...heh...heh...