The Assistant-Treasurer in the Federal Government, Bill Shorten, is in his Melbourne office pouring over reports on the Tax Forum, when his mobile rings.
Bill: Hallo, Bill Shorten here...
Caller: Hi, Bill...it’s Chris Uhlmann here...I hope I haven’t caught you at an inconvenient moment?
Bill: Nah, mate...no worries...how can I help?
Chris: Well, I was hoping you could do me a favour, mate, and come down to the studio for an interview?
Bill: Erm...it could be difficult, mate, as I’m not actually in Canberra at the moment...I’m in my electorate office...
Chris: Nah, that’s not a problem, mate...In fact, and it’s a long story, but I’m in Melbourne too...How’s about if I send a taxi over and bring you down to the studio?
Bill: Not a problem, mate...I’ll be ready in half an hour...
[Bill hangs up and memories flood back of that famous encounter when he sarcastically apologised to Uhlmann for interrupting his questions with answers! (see about 6 minutes into the following):
Click here.
“Huh”, says Bill to himself. “That smarmy bastard isn’t going to get away with it this time either. I’ll settle his hash one more time, see if I don’t...heh...heh...”
So, in preparation for the upcoming interview with Mr-know-it-all, Bill reads up on the major achievements and future plans of the government. And, to arm himself with pertinent information, he quickly scans through his scrap-book containing some great stuff from The Finnigans on Poll Bludger and Ad Astra on The Political Sword.
Then, after a while, the taxi arrives, picks Bill up and heads off to the studio. On the journey, Bill isn’t paying any attention, except to his scrap-book. By the time the taxi arrives at its destination, Bill is in a world of his own, not having a clue where he is and, typical of Melbourne, the weather has turned awful, with sheets of rain lashing down. Bill quickly thanks the driver and, holding his scrap-book over his head to keep off the rain, scuttles up the steps and flees into the warmth and dry security of the building. However, he is surprised to see Chris there in the foyer, ready to greet him]
Bill: Oh, hi Chris...didn’t expect to see you here as the welcoming party...the last time you interviewed me, one of your underlings escorted me to the studio door, made me take off my shoes outside, and insisted I bow down before you...Jeeze, mate, it was like getting an audience with the Shah of Persia, ffs!
Chris: Erm...nah, mate, it’s nothing like that now...But, yeah mate, I must admit I was a bit up myself then...but not now, I’m happy to say...
[Bill smells a rat. “The prick is trying to put me off my guard, I reckon”, Bill mutters to himself. “I’ll no sooner be in his studio, when he’ll start his usual carry-on, making the Marquis de Sade look like Forrest Gump!”
Chris leads Bill through a labyrinth of corridors, heading towards what seems like the very bowels of the building. And, all the time, Chris is being as nice as ninepence which, as it is so out of character, Bill finds totally disconcerting.]
Bill: Erm...the last time I was here, mate, you had the prime-real-estate studio right beside the foyer...Do they reckon you need to get some exercise now and lose some weight...haw...haw...
[However, before Chris can answer, they arrive at their studio destination. Chris opens the door, flicks on the light switch, and invites Bill inside. It is a lot smaller studio than Bill remembers from previous occasions, but he doesn’t pass any remarks.]
Chris: Okay, Bill, while we’re waiting for the producer to turn up, I’ll grab us a couple of coffees from the trestle table over there – only Instant, I’m afraid...
[“Hmmm”, says Bill to himself. “Things have really gone to the dogs around here – only Instant coffee, and no producer as yet...I remember when Chris used to say, “jump”, to the highest-ranking producer in the organisation and they would say, “how high?”
So, after what seemed to Bill an eternity of small-talk, a producer rocks up, shakes hands with Bill, but doesn’t even take Chris under her notice.
Anyway, the interview is ready to start. Bill is looking for the Jekyll and Hyde transformation, with Chris’ usual, conceited, self-satisfied, smug demeanour coming to the fore.]
Chris: Good evening, viewers and it’s my great pleasure to have a chat tonight with Bill about...
[Bill has decided that attack is the best form of defence. There’s no way he’s going to allow this turkey to talk over him the way he’s done in the past. “I’ll give this joker a taste of his own medicine...heh...heh...”
So, frantically trying to recall some of the stuff from his scrap-book, Bill begins his blurtethon.]
Bill (sarcastically): Oh, it’s clear Liberal Party shills like you Chris think you know it all...but, I’m going to let you into a little secret – the Federal Government has got more policy nous in its little finger than your lot has in its whole body – even a body as big as Joe Hockey’s...heh...heh...
Chris: But...but...but...
Bill: Oh, isn’t that typical! I’ve hardly started with my answer and you’re “but-ing” in already! Well, I’ll have you know that due to our magnificent governing abilities, we’ve kept unemployment down to a manageable 5.3%, inflation to 3.6%, and Public Net Debt to 7% of GDP...
Moreover, RBA interest rates are at 4.75% - no rises in 11 consecutive months – plus a 1.8% growth in the economy during the 2010-11 financial year...and a $22.4 billion trade surplus for the last financial year also...
Chris: Erm...Bill...
Bill (sarcastically): Oh, I’m sorry to interrupt your questions with answers, buddy...but, as I was saying...due to our fabulous government’s efficient financial leadership, there will be, next year, investment in mining and related infrastructure of something in the realm of $140 billion...whilst business investment in general is expected to grow by 15% this year, and by another 15% the following year...
Chris (exasperated): But...but...but...
Bill (slightly raising his voice): AND! Both the OECD and the IMF say Australia is in good shape to withstand another global debt crisis...
Chris (pleadingly): But, what about...
Bill (triumphantly): Yes, “but what about”, indeed! And while we’re on track for putting the budget into the black, the Opposition is merely offering a series of great big black holes! So, while we’re being financially responsible, the Leader of the Opposition is disgracefully offering his arse for sale to all and sundry!
Chris: Bill...please...erm...
Bill: And while the Opposition is a policy-free-zone, we’ve got so many terrific policies, we make Santa’s sack on Christmas Eve look as empty as Jonesie’s chaff bag...Let’s take the HIS, for example...it provided employment at the time when there was a danger of the unemployment rate taking off...Moreover, it kept small businesses afloat and lowered energy costs for the house-holders involved...And, what about the BER – the Orgill Reports show a 97% satisfaction rate among schools, the provision of updated and new infrastructure, and, support for the building industry at a crucial time...
Chris: (even more desperately): But...but...but...
Bill (with faux-anger): Chris, I know your fatuous questions are going to be of the naysaying variety, so I’ll just treat them with the contempt they rightfully deserve...So, as I saying...
[Bill rants on and on, sticking to his pre-arranged strategy of not allowing Chris to get a question in edgeways. Other topics he bombards the hapless Chris with include, off-shore processing of asylum-seekers (on this point, Bill makes sure he emphasises that Tones’ recent Boatphone Backflip is an even greater surrender than the one after Singapore), the PPL, the NBN, the passing of 200-odd items of legislation, the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme, the dumping of WorkChoices, the MRRT, etcetera.
Meanwhile, however, the producer has decided the interview had gone on long enough. Whilst Bill was manically offering his outpourings of verbal diarrhoea, with Chris pathetically and futilely attempting to get a word in, she turns off the cameras and mics and pisses off to the pub. Bill, however, imagining himself on somewhat of a roll, keeps on spouting and is only stopped in rhetorical mid- flight by the polite request of the cleaner to move his feet so that he can Hoover under the desk. Shortly afterwards, an eerie silence subsides on the studio, which is a very welcome relief to Chris’ poor beleaguered ear-drums.]
Bill: Well, thanks, Chris...that went a lot better than when you last interviewed me on the ABC’s 7:30 Show...heh...heh...
Chris: Erm, Bill...I should have appraised you of this earlier, but you wouldn’t allow me...So, now that the interview’s over, maybe you’ll listen...
[Upon picking up the serious tone of Chris’ voice, Bill is all ears]
Chris (melancholically): You see, I don’t work for the ABC 7:30 Show any longer...they told me I needed “a fresh challenge”...something about ratings getting smaller than Tony Abbott’s nuts after a mid-winter swim in Port Phillip Bay...
Bill: Soooooo...this isn’t the ABC! So where am I?
Chris: This is Channel 7 and I now work for Better Homes and Gardens – but, to be precise, for Dr Harry’s segment on quirky Pet stories...
[Bill barely constrains a loud guffaw.]
Bill (with faux-compassion): Jeeze, mate...how the mighty have fallen...But, you’ve got me puzzled now – why did you invite me here to talk about politics when you’re now a junior Pets’ reporter?
Chris (indignantly): Well, if you had let me get a question in, it would have been clear I didn’t want to ask you about politics...
Bill (slowly): Sooooooo...why then did you want to interview me about...pets!?
Chris: I wanted to ask you what it was like to play the part of Bill the Terrier in At Home With Julia...
Bill: Erm...mate...I hate to break this to you...but that was a real dog playing the part...
Chris (incredulously): Really!!! I just thought it was you dressed up...
[Bill slowly gets up and walks backwards towards the studio exit. He gropes nervously for the knob, turns it, opens the door, steps through, closes it quietly behind him, and sprints so quickly up the corridor, the cleaner thinks Usain Bolt’s interview has just ended.
Thereafter, Bill Shorten’s nickname was no longer “Bill the Terrier”, but “Bill the Greyhound”.]