Tony Abbott has been increasingly expressing his disquiet at the double life Julia Gillard has been leading.
He is saying that her effectiveness in performing the role of Prime Minister is being massively curtailed by her constant gallivanting down Diagon Alley dressed as a witch.
But, in spite of the Carbon Tax wiping out Whyalla and every sign of life within a thousand-kilometre radius, commercial activity in Diagon Alley has never been busier.
And No. 93 – Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes – is still a veritable gold-mine. As you’ll remember from the Harry Potter series, No. 93 Diagon Alley is the address of the practical joke shop opened by the Weasley twins, George and Fred.
However, tragically, Fred had subsequently been killed by the dark forces of Lord Voldemort at the Battle of Hogwarts, and now George runs it on his own.
So, this day in particular, Witchy Gillard is paying another visit to No. 93, intent on buying Christmas presents for a few “special” people in her life – and she has a particular present in mind for one of her favourite persons at the moment – Glenn Milne. She is on the lookout for one of George’s Self-Exploding Quills!
George: Good morning, madam...the Self-Exploding Quill? Yes...one of the best-selling items in our “Half-Blood Prince” range...I’m sure the object of your revenge...errr...best wishes...will surely get the message...heh...heh...
[George continues with describing and exhibiting a number of other items that the late Fred and he had produced in the Half-Blood Prince book.]
George: Again, madam...can I interest you in another piece from this exquisite range – like this U-No-Poo potion which cures constipation...Though I heard that when you were told about the High Court decision on the Malaysian Solution, you certainly didn’t need any such cure...hee...hee...
[To say that Jooles doesn’t need reminding of Frenchie and his follies is like reminding Tony Abbott of the time he fronted up at a Tea Party rally with his budgie smugglers g-string on back-to-front. Jooles fixes George with an icy stare that even Julie Bishop would be proud of.]
Jooles: George...old chap...See this wand? Now, you have two choices – one...I will use it to turn you into a first-thing-in-the-morning Bronny Bishop look-a-like...or...two...I will ram it so far up your Kyber, you’ll feel worse than Andrew Bolt did when Possum inserted his calculator...Now...which is it?
[George swallows deeply and quickly proceeds with his tour of the shop.]
George: Errr...righto, madam...and still in the bountiful Half-Blood Prince range, we have...ummm...let’s see...yes...our famous packets of Instant Darkness Powder...
Jooles: Rather! Yes, I’ll definitely have some more of that...it was a real hit when I threw some over Joe Hockey and Andrew Robb and made them come up with their great new big black holes debacles...heh...heh...
George: Wonderful, madam...I’ll just put a few packets into your trolley...And now, what about some of our quick-acting Nosebleed Nougat?
Jooles: Yes, what a great idea! Tones is notorious for having a sweet tooth, so I’ll give him some and then tell everybody I whacked him with one of Paul Keating’s judo chops...heh...heh...
[Jooles curtails her witch-like cackling for a moment and asks George about another product in the Half-Blood Prince range.]
George: Oh, those, madam...Yes...we call those our Patented Daydream Charms – when one is taken, the recipient experiences a 30-minute period of escape from their mundane existence and goes into a pleasant fantasy world...
Jooles: Oh, yes, I’ll have some of those...I’ll give them to Tones as well, to make him think he’s in the Lodge for a while...hee...hee...
[George can’t believe his luck that he’s sold so many products to the one customer, so he carries on with the sales palaver.]
George: And, here, madam, we have our world-famous Punching Telescope...In fact, you might remember in the Half-Blood Prince, Hermoine was tricked into looking through one and she got such a shiner, she looked worse than Gai Waterhouse and Nikki Savva after their cat-fight over which of them was the biggest bitch at dissing your wardrobe...
Jooles: Oh, my! I’ll have two, please...One for each of the cows, and they can use them regularly to keep up appearances...hee...hee...
George: Erm, sorry, madam...I believe this is the only one left in stock...You see, a famous member of the British aristocracy...a Lord Monckton, I believe...bought all our stock of this particular item, bar this one...
Jooles: Really? Why did he want so many?
George: Oh, he mentioned something about “giving one in the eye to each of those lefty climate alarmists in the CSIRO”...He seemed a bit strange...but, then, never knock back a sale, I always say...
[George by now has exhausted all of the examples in the Half-Blood Prince range, so maneuvours Jooles and her now-bulging trolley towards the Goblet of Fire collection.]
George: And now, madam, you might recognise some of our most famous jokes and tricks that we introduced in the Goblet of Fire story...
Jooles: Sounds good...and what are these packets of powdery stuff...they look a bit familiar...
George: Oh, they’re from our Jelly-Legs Jinx line...If you can get someone to ingest a sample, their legs turn to jelly and they can hardly walk...
Jooles: Oh yes, I remember that stuff now! I bought a packet in 2006, and at the Walkley Awards, I sprinkled some in Glenn Milne’s fruit-juice before he went up on the stage to say g’day to his mate, Stephen Mayne...hee...hee...
George: Oh how droll, madam...and now, what about something else from our Goblet of Fire range – the Ton-Tongue Toffees, for example...When you give one to your victim, their tongue swells up so much, it gets bigger than Gina Reinhart’s bank-balance...
Jooles: Yeah...I bought a box of those before, and left them on Joe’s spot on the Opposition Front Bench...He was as skinny as Andrew Robb’s Book of Coalition Policies then...But he scoffed them all down in one go and now look at him...heh...heh...
[And on and on George goes with the sales pitch. But, to tell the truth, Jooles is far from being the hapless victim. She knows that the contents of this particular trolley of tricks will later cause severe mayhem in the Opposition ranks when she unleashes them.
George then shows her a few more items which she readily adds to her burgeoning collection. Items like the spray-cans of Garrotting Gas (from the Order of the Phoenix range) which, in future debates, she intends using on the opposition instead of calling for the guillotine. And the Extendable Ears for eavesdropping on shadow cabinet meetings (George was going to ask Jooles if she wanted the ones with the humungous ear-lobes, but thought better of it). And more of the Fever Fudge that Jooles had given to Mary Jo Fisher before she did the hockey-pokey. Next time she plans to give her an even bigger helping, hoping she does something from Saturday Night Fever and makes an even bigger fool of herself.
Eventually, Jooles asks George can he arrange for all her purchases to be transported via a portkey to Australia, as there isn’t enough space in the boot of her broomstick. However, this reminds George of something.]
George: Oh, that reminds me, madam...talking of Down Under, our HR Department has just recently employed another one of your countrymen, who is providing us with the essential ingredient in our latest product – the Shit Happens Stink Bomb...
Jooles: Oh, he sounds interesting...I may as well say hallo to him – just in case he’s one of my constituents and I can cajole him into voting for me...heh...heh...
[George leads Jooles down a rickety set of stairs to the basement of No. 93. Soon, they are facing a heavy, hermetically-sealed door that obviously leads to the production room for the top-secret Shit Happens Stink Bombs. George pulls out his wand, recites the requisite spell, and the huge door creaks slowly open. He leads Jooles in, and her eyes immediately encounter a sweat-lathered individual, dressed only in his red budgie smugglers, on an exercise bike, peddling along for all he’s worth. However, the surrealism of this scene is only compounded by the fact that he has got a plastic tube up his bum with the other end attached to a tank, with has a sign affixed, saying: “DANGER – HIGHLY TOXIC”
Jooles walks around to see what this strange Australian looks like, but, upon doing so, gets such a shock, she would have dropped her handbag, if she had one, on her toe.]
Jooles (incredulously): Tony Abbott!!! Well, I never!!! You’ve got a bloody nerve criticising me for wasting time on my shopping trips, and here you are moonlighting in Diagon Alley, creating the raw material for George’s new product...Now, that’s what I call a stinking hypocrisy!!!
Tones (sheepishly): Erm...don’t be so harsh, Jooles...I know I said to Tony Windsor the only thing I wouldn’t do is sell my arse...well, a guy has to pay off his big mortgage somehow...
[Jooles dismissively turns on her heel and exits the stink-bomb room. Outside, George closes the door and they ascend the rickety stairs again. George, however, is wearing a sly smirk, which Jooles can’t help remarking upon.]
George: Oh, he thinks he’s going to get paid for selling his arse, does he...heh...heh...Well, I’ve got news for him...We’ve got Wizard’s WorkChoices round here and we pay the likes of him in Leprechaun Gold – you know, the stuff that disappears in the morning...heh...heh...
Jooles: Wow! That’s what I call karma...tee...hee...