Dennis “Mr Krabs” Shanahan got his fingers burnt badly a while ago when he temporarily moved out of his journalistic comfort-zone and lost all his savings on the disastrous Krusty Pool project. As an experienced operator, Mr Krabs should have known better, but his cub reporter, Spongebob, can be excused as he was still a bit wet behind the ears.
So, after this disheartening experience of the real world, Mr Krabs realises he should stick to what he is good at and has returned to the fourth estate fold.
And, Mr Krabs has got the perfect story for Spongebob to get his teeth into. You see, Mr Krabs has milked and promoted the “Coalition: good/ALP: bad” grand narrative paradigm for all it’s worth, and sees an ideal opportunity for gilding the Coalition lily yet one more time.
So, as Spongebob is so inexperienced in political matters, Mr Krabs shows him a picture of Tony Abbott, the Leader of the Opposition, and other characters, and orders him to go off and prepare some background for a feature article he is writing for the next edition of
The Weekend Australian. Now, our favourite spongy scribbler is heading off to file some background on “that colourful fish”, as Mr Krabs calls him, armed also with a modicum of context about some conflict or other between miners and fish-farmers at the “Budgie Smugglers’ Bottom” atoll. As Spongbob still hasn’t got a licence, he brings along his best friend, Patrick the Starfish, as his driver.
Patrick: Well, Spongebob...here we are at Budgie Smugglers’ Bottom...I wonder how Tones is going to reconcile the two opposing factions around here, the miners and the fish-farmers...They’re like chalk and cheese, so he better look out or he could end up being the meat in the sandwich...
Spongebob: Yeah...and eating one of his famous shit sandwiches as well...bahahahahaha...
[Just then, at the southern corner of Budgie Smugglers’ bottom, Spongebob and Patrick come across a meeting that seems to be being chaired by that bright-red-coloured fish, Tony Abbott, who is wearing a hard-hat. He is meeting with a group of sea-creatures whom Spongebob recognises from the photographs Mr Krabs gave him earlier. He points out Clive “Sea Slug” Palmer, Twiggy “Anemone” Forrest, and Gina “Conger Eel” Reinhart. And, swimming-cum-loitering nearby, is a school of assorted hangers-on and plaicemen, including Chris “Snapper” Pyne, Gai “Sea Horse” Waterhouse, Joe “Pufferfish” Hockey, Greg “Shrimp” Hunt, Barnaby “Clownfish” Joyce, Julie “Staregeon” Bishop, Declan “Rock Lobster” Stephenson and a whole host of Young Liberal “Sea Urchins”.]
Clive: Right, Tones...you gotta grow a pair on this one and get Tony Windsor and the other Indos, and your new chums the Greens, to give us unfettered access to everything that’s under Budgie Smugglers’ Bottom...
Gina: Yeah...by the time we’re finished with the joint, it’ll make Bikini Atoll, after the Yanks ended their nuclear tests there, look like Shangri-effin’-la...heh...heh...
[Spongebob coughs, to announce his presence.]
Tones: And who the f*** might you be? Wait, don’t tell me – you’re one of those dole-bludging lefties who’s gonna “sponge” off the hard-earned money that Gillard’s MRRT will pinch off my mining friends here...
Twiggy: And who’s your fat mate...he’s so porky, he makes Clive and Gina here look as thin as me...heh...heh...
Patrick (angrily): I...I...I’m Patrick Starfish, I’ll have you know...and there’s no need to be so rude...
Gina (threateningly): Mmmmm...I just love starfish...So, buddy, if you’re still hanging round here after our meeting, I’m going to have you for a snack...heh...heh...
Twiggy: Huh...for your sake, Gina, I hope he isn’t a Crown-of-Thorns Starfish, cos if his diadem sticks in your gullet, you could well be at sovereign risk...hee...hee...
[So, it’s obvious Tones and the three nasty miners are having a great laugh at Spongebob’s and Patrick’s expense. Eventually, they calm down and Spongebob gets a chance to tell them why he’s here.]
Tones: Righto...so, Mr Krabs sent you...that’s fine, cos Krabby Shanners is one of our best spruikers...Make sure you tell him how keen I am to help my mining mates here out with their projects...
[Spongebob writes everything down, just in time to see Tony the red-coloured fish swim off with his entourage in the direction of the northern corner of Budgie Smugglers’ Bottom. The two friends jump in Patrick’s car and head off after them. Eventually, they reach their destination.]
Spongebob: Yeah, Patrick, this is the place – there’s Joe “Pufferfish” Hockey over there, ordering a few buckets of KFC...
[Spongebob looks around for Tones the reddish-coloured fish, but can only see a blue-coloured one talking to a group of fish-farmers that he again recognises from the photographs Mr Krabs showed him earlier. They include, Alan “Parrotfish” Jones, “Clammy” Campbell Newman, and Bob “Barracuda” Brown. He turns quizzically to Patrick.]
Spongebob: Hmmmm...this is strange, Patrick...there’s no sign of that reddish-coloured fish...I can only see that blue one over there who, strangely, looks almost identical to the red one...
[Spongebob and Patrick drive over and, to their utter amazement, as they eavesdrop on the conversation, discover that Tony the reddish-coloured fish from the southern corner of Budgie Smugglers’ Bottom is now Tony the blue-coloured fish here in the northern corner! He has ditched his hard-hat and is now kissing every creature in sight, just as he did at the fishmongers a few week’s ago. Alan “Parrotfish” Jones scornfully turns on Patrick.]
Alan: Hey, mate – either you’re grossly overweight or you’ve been inhaling too much of that coal-seam gas that’s found around here...But, if you two are 2GB listeners, you can have my autograph...If not, just bugger off – we’re talking to Tones here about his plans to get parliamentary support for banning those pesky miners from fracking our farmland...
[Again, but to the fish-farmers this time, Patrick has to explain why they are here. But, at the same time, he berates Alan for being so personally insulting and for using such bad language as ‘fracking’. “Barracuda” Bob comes to Spongebob’s rescue, however, by commenting favourably on the colour of his trademark shorts.]
Bob: Oh, the little sponge can’t be that bad, Alan – at least he’s wearing the right colour of shorts...heh...heh...
[Then, as the discussion unfolds between Tony the now-blue-coloured fish and the three fish-farmers, Spongebob, incredulously, scribbles down everything that Tones is saying to them.]
Tones: And...we’ll send all those greedy miners off to Nauru Atoll, where they can mine all the guano they want – if there’s any left by this stage...heh...heh...
[The fish-farmers are so enraptured with Tony the blue-coloured fish’s decision to support them against the evil miners, they allow him to give them more kisses than Osama Bin Laden got from his seventy-two virgins when he arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Then, suddenly, the lagoon-love-in is dramatically interrupted by the appearance, on the coral atoll, of two giant gum-boots. Spongebob reads out loud what it says, in indelible ink on the side of the brightly-coloured soles – “Tony Windsor”.
Immediately, an empty jam-jar appears and Tony the blue-coloured fish is captured. The jam-jar is pulled out of the water, much to the distress of the fish-farmers, who presume their champion has gone forever, to presumably be the prime exhibit in the fish-tank in Windsor’s electorate office.
However, within a few seconds, Tony the blue-coloured fish is plopped back into the water and meteorically disappears out to sea in a self-created brown haze.]
Patrick: Huh...shit happens...heh...heh...
Booming voice from above: Jeeze...don’t you just hate those crappy chameleon fish – they don’t know whether they’re Arthur or Martha...bloody weathervanes...
Spongebob: Erm...Patrick...I don’t think Mr Krabs is going to believe a word of this story...and even if he did, I don’t think he’ll print it anyway...got any other ideas?
Patrick: Urrr...Yes, Spongebob, in fact I have...Remember that monastery we passed on the way in – I reckon Craig “Trappist Monkfish” Thomson is incarcerated in there after Julia “Red Empress” Gillard finished giving him the third degree...Let’s head over there and see if he’ll spill the beans...
Spongebob: Yeah...great idea, Patrick...And by the way, has anyone ever told you you’re a star...bahahahahaha...