Aficionados of The Simpsons cartoon series will be familiar with the ‘colourful’ character, Sideshow Bob. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of viewing any episodes that include Bob, he is basically a psychopath, who worked for Krusty the Clown in his circus, got sacked, and irrationally blamed Bart Simpson for his drastic fall from grace. Subsequently, many episodes involving Bob include him stalking Bart, in a vain attempt to exact his revenge.
So, after her seminal article on Lindsay Tanner’s book, "Sideshow" (which she hadn’t read!), Samantha Maiden is getting ribbed by her colleagues. In fact, they have dubbed her, “Sideshow Sam”. Samantha, however, has had enough of the mocking. She is beginning to question her previous sycophantic demeanour, and is keen to see what it’s like to be a bona fide journalist.
In the meantime, Tony Abbott has just showed up for a press conference. Donned in his Lycra, he dismounts his bike and stands in front of the assembled throng.
Tones: Thanks everyone for coming along this morning...As usual, I won’t keep you long, so I’m ready for the first question...
[While Tones waits for the first question, he does a quick 20 push-ups.]
Sideshow Sam: Erm...Mr Abbott...can I just ask you a question...and its on the infamous Black Hole that Treasury found in your costings before the last election...Can you explain how that came about, and can you assure voters that such a debacle will not be repeated in the future...
[Tones cannot believe that someone usually as supportive as Samantha could ask such a question. He gets up off the ground, intending to wing an answer.]
Tones: Erm...good question, Samantha, and for those of you who didn’t hear the question properly, Sam asked how big would the black holes be in voters’ wallets when the Gillard government succeeds in bringing in all it’s debacle-causing great new big taxes...blah...blah...
[Sideshow is flabbergasted at Tones’ blatant misrepresentation of her question, and is just about to ask a supplementary when he invites Nikki Savva to speak. Nikki commends Tones on the sartorial elegance of his Lycra suit and asks him does he have a different coloured one for every day of the week. Tones replies that indeed he does, but the problem is getting them ironed, so he is thinking of asking Julia round to do it, “just to make an honest woman out of her...heh...heh...” Everybody has a good laugh at Julia’s expense. Everybody except Sideshow, that is.]
Sideshow: Errr...Mr Abbott...I would like to ask you about your Real Action Plan for tackling global warming...how will it actually work, and why are no major industrialists lining up to support it?
[While Sideshow was asking her question, Tones was holding Laurie Oakes over his head, whilst doing a series of squats. Upon hearing Sam’s question, he drops poor Laurie like a sack of spuds.]
Tones: Erm...thanks again, Sideshow, for such an insightful question...and again for those who didn’t hear it, Sam is asking why Julia Gillard is always out of the country, leaving all the real action to me...blah...blah...
[Again, Sam can’t believe the effrontery of Tones bastardising her legitimate and erudite policy-focussed questions. He then gives the nod to Chris Uhlmann.]
Chris: Yeah, maaaaate! Great to see you again...looking forward to giving you another good going-over...haw...haw...the next time you’re on my 7:30 Show...But seriously, do you think a future government of yours should bring in compulsory seminary service – after all, it didn’t do you or me any harm...heh...heh...
[The mutual back-slapping continues, much to Sideshow’s disquiet. After all, she is now a conscientious journalist, eager to put the blow-torch on any politician, no matter their political stripe.]
Sideshow: Erm...Mr Abbott...Can I ask you about the balance of power in both Houses after 1 July this year...how will you develop your policies to encourage the Independents and Minor Parties to support you?
[While Sideshow was asking her question, Tones was getting some exercise by following Glenn Milne, who was staggering all over the place. Upon hearing Sam’s question, Tones stops dead in his tracks, unable to comprehend the change, from previous pressers, in the tenor of Sideshow’s questions.]
Tones: Now look here, lady...I don’t come along here to be subjected to any challenging questions on policy, or my lack thereof...
Sideshow: But...but...but...previously, I was mocked for not asking penetrating questions...and now I’m being ridiculed for focusing on policies – you can’t win with you guys!
Tones: Yeah, and I can’t win WITHOUT you guys...So, Sideshow, what were you saying about the responsibility of the Indos and Greens to throw their support behind the natural party of government?
Sideshow: Yeah, I suppose I know what side my bread’s buttered on – that’s what happens when you work for Krupie the Clown...
Dennis Shanahan: Yeah...welcome back, Sideshow – it looks like you didn’t stand up to the Lindsay Test too well...heh...heh...