It’s been over a year’s hard Labor for Tony Abbott since the Indos went along with Julia Gillard and not him. And to say the least, he’s getting a bit toey. He knows that he needs to swing their support his direction, so as to get into the big chair. But, to make things worse at the moment, he’s suffering from a bad cold that was brought on by cycling too much in the wintry weather. He is coughing and spluttering, and his nose is blocked and running like a tap.
Then, all of a sudden, Tones reckons his luck has turned when he receives an invite to go on MasterChef, where Tony Windsor and co are the judges, and have assured him that, if he wins, the keys to The Lodge are his. The other contestants, he is informed, are a motley crew, comprising of Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan, Christopher Pyne, Bronnie Bishop, David Bushby and Joe Hockey.
So, as everyone knows, the MasterChef format is stretched out over 6 nights and, on the first night – Sunday (CHALLENGE NIGHT) – all the contestants are given the same ingredients in the MYSTERY BOX CHALLENGE.
Unfortunately for Tones, however, he comes second to Jooles on this one and, for the next phase of the competition, the INVENTIONS TEST, she is invited into the pantry by Rob Oakeshott to choose the main ingredient for the next dish. Jooles chooses nuts as the main food item and again beats Tones with her very tasty NBN (“Nice Brazil Nuts”) salad.
Then, the next night, Monday’s PRESSURE TEST, is a big challenge for the bottom three losers from the previous evening. They are Wayne Swan, Christopher Pyne and Joe Hockey. In fact, as the dishes of these three are considered such duds, the whole lot are eliminated. For example, in his planning, Swannie goes way too much into deficit in weighing his ingredients, and ends up with only two peas and a cocktail sausage on his plate. Pynie, meanwhile, has the opposite problem and is disqualified for having too much mince on his. And Joe Hockey is drummed out for scoffing his creation before the judges even get a chance to see it!
Then, on the Tuesday – CELEBRITY CHEF CHALLENGE – Jooles, as winner of the INVENTION TEST on the previous Sunday, has to face off against Gordon Ramsay. Unfortunately for Jooles, Gordon makes more swear words in the alphabet soup dish than her. Gordon later informs the Cooking Correspondent of The Australian that he is relieved he didn’t have to go into a swear-off with Tones, as he knows the Leader of the Opposition is “the f***ing Fr Jack Hackett of the f***ing political swearing world!”
Anyway, the MasterChef bandwagon rolls on and it is now Wednesday night – the OFF-SITE CHALLENGE. Tones is given the job of managing Fawlty Towers for the night, but fails miserably and even makes Basil look like Conrad Hilton. For her part, Jooles is tasked with catering for a wedding and she uses the opportunity to show how she can multi-task by marrying Tim while she is at it.
So, Thursday comes along, with another ELIMINATION. It is hard to believe there are two worse contestants than Tones, after his debacle as Acting-Manager of Fawlty Towers. Nevertheless, Bronwyn Bishop and David Bushby are to compete head-to-head for this dubious honour.
However, Andrew Wilkie and the other judges decide that both are so appallingly bad, each has to go. For her sins, Bronnie nearly sets fire to the studio when she tries to brown the meringue with her kerosene torch, and manages to singe her beehive into the bargain. And, David Bushby is disqualified for trying to pass off some cat-food as tuna morney.
So, finally, the Friday match-off comes around and Tones and Jooles are the only two MasterChef contestants left standing. Tones is delighted he has made it this far, in spite of being handicapped by such a heavy cold. Now, with each ensconced in their separate, self-contained kitchens, Tones and Jooles bring out all their Tupperware containers they have brought from home, and plonk them on their respective preparation tables. The camera zooms in on Tones, who is being interviewed by Rob Oakeshott.
Rob: Okay, Tones...you look like you’re loaded with the cold, mate...But, nevertheless, we want you and Jooles to each cook up a pudding. So, what culinary delight will you have in store for us tonight?
Tones: Yeah, mate...can’t seem to get rid of this bloody lurgy...But, anyway mate, shit happens! And yeah, I’m cooking up a Magic Pudding tonight, mate...40 ingredients...no problems, mate...
Rob: Okay, Tones...we’ll leave you to it...I’ll just head over to the PM’s kitchen to see how she’s doing...
[As Rob Oakeshott saunters off, closing Tones’ kitchen door firmly behind him, Tones is left alone in the kitchen. He talks aloud to himself.]
Tones: Erm...righto...What’s first? Yeah...half a kilo of good old GUIDED DEMOCRACY gorgonzola...
[Tones fires the ultra-pongy ingredient into the mixing bowl, but, with his blocked nose, can’t smell how bad it is.]
Tones: Now...what about a dollop of ABOLISH THE MINING TAX mustard...heh...heh...
[Tones liberally (what else!) uses his fingers to mix the first two ingredients for his Magic Pudding recipe.]
Tones: Mmmm...lovely...and now for a few slices of DIRECT ACTION durians...and a litre of some ATROCIOUSLY EXPENSIVE PAID PARENTAL LEAVE lemon juice...and, for good measure, half a kilo of CUT BACK GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE NUMBERS giblets...plus...wait for it...a cup of RE-OPEN NAURU guano granules...and 100 grams of self-raising-to-20% GST flour...with a few stalks of ROOTY HILL rhubarb...and a kilo of rancid but...but...butter...hee...hee...
[Even by this stage, and Tones hasn’t finished making his Magic pudding yet, there is such a stench off the pongy ingredients, it would make the Augean Stables, on a hot day, smell like one of Elizabeth Arden’s well-deodorised armpits. However, with his blocked nose, Tones can’t smell a thing.]
Tones: And now for 20 cloves of GOSPEL TRUTH garlic...and a litre of some PACIFIC SOLUTION sour milk...and a handful of crushed-up, over the used-by-date, TEA PARTY pies...plus a container of NATURE STRIPS suet...and 100 grams of DEAD, BURIED AND CREMATED WORKCHOICES wheat-flour...and three tablespoons of PLEBICITE fish-paste...with a cup of NODDING DEATH-STARE noodles and some ECONOMISTS’ guts and SCIENTISTS’ garters – the pointy-headed pricks...heh...heh...
[Tones adds in the remainder of his 40 whiffy ingredients and blithely continues to mash them in the bowl.
Meanwhile, Rob Oakeshott and the other Indo judges have been checking up on Jooles. She is playing her cards close to her chest as to what sort of pudding she is creating, so they give her a preliminary mark for her MasterChef efforts so far. Then, they return to Tones’ kitchen.
Rob opens the door and, like a tumultuous tsunami, the wave of fetid air from Tones’ mixing bowl nearly “bowls” them over.]
Rob (holding his nose): OMG Tones – you call that a Magic Pudding – more like a Tragic Pudding to me! I’m afraid you’ve failed the MasterChef test and lost out on our support for another while, mate...
Tones: But...but...but...it’s a fail-safe 40-ingredients recipe that Robbo gave me! He told me no matter how many times it’s on the nose, the ABC, News Limited and the shock-jocks will ensure it never fails to get on the menu! It’s a Magic Pudding, ffs!!!
[The judges ignore Tones’ protestations and quickly slam the door, heading off to the security and clean air of Jooles’ kitchen.]
Andrew: Okay, Jooles...we don’t think you’ve got any real competition around here at the moment...so, we’ll declare you the winner of this year’s MasterChef competition, and guarantee you our support for another while...
Jooles: Why, thank you gentlemen – it will be my pleasure to continue to work with you – long may it last...
Tony Windsor: Oh, and Jooles...what sort of a pudding did you finally come up with?
Jooles: Oh, it’s just a simple black pudding, Tony...It’s very solid, with no big holes in it whatsoever – unlike the Opposition’s...heh...heh...