Life used to be simple in Carbon Alley.
The Fat Cats, Gina ‘Ginger Mog’ Rinehart, and Clive ‘Cheshire Cat’ Palmer, have been running the place, aided and abetted by their cronies, Officers Dibble (Tony Abbott) and Dribble (David Bushby).
However, many of the alley cats, led by TC (Julia ‘Top Cat’ Gillard) and her intrepid band, consisting of Spook (Peter Garrett), Benny (Wayne Swan) and Chooch (Penny Wong), are arching their backs and beginning to assert themselves.
Up to now, the Fat Cats have been running Carbon Alley as they see fit. They have been digging up the alley and sending the stuff off to the Chinese Dragon Li cats who live in an alley way up north of the metropolis. The Fat Cats have also had the monopoly on installing coal-burning braziers in the alley, to warm the joint up, at a price, during the cold weather.
However, between the unsightly and dangerous holes all over the place, and the choking smog from the coal-fired braziers, the alley has become a not-very-nice place in which to live.
So, TC and her friends have decided to try to do something about it. But the Fat Cats’ henchmen, Officers Dibble and Dribble, are doing their best to thwart any progress. They cycle into Carbon Alley and dismount.
Dibble: Right TC...you can hold it right there...what’s that you’re installing on the lids of the alley cats’ bins?
TC: Why, Officer Dibble! What a tremendous honour, sir, to have you grace our humble alley with your presence this morning...
Dibble: I asked you a question Top Cat!
TC: Well, Officer Dibble...these objects you see on the tops of our bins are the latest in modern communications technology – they are known as “set-top boxes”, and they will enable all the alley cats to tune into my new series of fire-side chats...that is if they can see their screens with all the smoke from those expensive and polluting smoke-burning braziers owned by the Fat Cats...
Dibble: Huh...do they come with a complimentary fire-extinguisher, TC – after all, we all know what happened when you installed the pink batts in the cats’ bin-lids last year...heh...heh...Isn’t that right, Dribble?
Dribble: Miaow...
[Everyone looks at Officer Dribble, expecting him to add something coherent and useful to the discussion. But, alas, nothing else emits from his cake-hole. Meanwhile, ‘Chooch’ Wong has to be restrained by Benny and Spook, as she has had enough of Dribble’s rudeness.]
Dibble: Well, anyway...And so, Top Cat, I hope you haven’t got any plans this year to build any more of your school halls in the alley...If you ask me, education is wasted on you alley cats...After all, you lot are always going to be il-litter-ate anyway...hee...hee...
TC: Oh, very droll, Officer Dibble...But, you’ll have to admit that without our stimulation measures, Carbon Alley would have been a catastrophic basket-case, similar to some of those other alleys in the neighbourhood...
Dibble (whispering): Erm, TC...talking about your stimulation measures...any chance of a few more of those $900 cheques you handed out – the old mortgage payments are getting to be a bit of a burden these days...
TC: Officer Dibble!!! What an outlandish and corrupt request!!! I expected much higher ethical standards of an upstanding public servant such as your good self...And there was I, trying to make an honest man out of you...sheesh...
Dibble: Pffffffttttt!! It’ll not stand up in court, TC, and you know it – I didn’t write it down, so it doesn’t count...Ain’t that right, Dribble?
Dribble: Miaow...
[Again, everyone pauses to see if Dribble is going to add anything coherent. However, it is as well no-one held their breath. Meanwhile, Chooch is still being restrained by Benny and Spook.]
Dibble: Oh, and TC – what’s this about you introducing a CAT (“Carbon Amelioration Tax”) on the Fat Cats’ coal braziers in the alley? I’ll have you know the science isn’t settled here and the braziers aren’t quite the environmental villains some of you alley cats make them out to be...And your great new big tax is going to wipe everywhere from Carbon Alley to Whyalla off the map...And destroy the Catillac car industry...and inflict endless re-runs of Cat Blanchett and Michael Cat-on movies on your dopey set-top boxes...And reduce you to eating Weetbix every meal instead of Kit-e-kat...And getting herpes just like Terry McCat...
TC: Woah, Officer Dibble!! Just hang on there for a second...I see you’ve got your weathervane in full swing here...If you’re so opposed to my Carbon Amelioration Tax, how come you said this...
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Dibble: But...but...but...how did you get your hands on that tape, TC – that is my spiel after I get promotion to Police Commissioner...In the meantime, whatever you say, I just parrot the polar opposite – you know how it works...Isn’t that right, Dribble?
[No-one evens looks at Dribble, as the expectation is that he will only utilise another opportunity to tease Chooch. However, to everyone’s amazement, Dribble actually starts to say something more than, “miaow”.]
Dribble: Erm...I don’t know about that, Dibble...maybe we should face reality here and just give the middle finger to the Fat Cats...I’m happy to put my hand out for the compo that goes along with the CAT, and be a pussy-cat just like the others around here...What do you think, Dibble – and just remember that great big mortgage of yours...
[Officer Dibble pauses for a few seconds, but, his response is unequivocal.]
Dibble: Miaowwwwwwwwwwww...