As one of the foremost Forgotten Families, the Coalition Waltons have nothing better to do than to retire early for the night.
However, still active behind the scenes, John-Boy (Howard) Walton can’t sleep.
John-Boy: Psssst...Tones! You awake, son?
Tones: Yeah, pa – can’t sleep with all that racket next door...
[Since losing government, the Waltons have had to downsize. They now live in a tenement, with the next door house occupied by cousin Malcolm, who had moved out in a hissy-fit after losing the bed beside John-Boy to Tones. And, on the other side of cousin Malcolm’s house is the adjoining one occupied by the NBN family (“Nasty Bolshevik Nepotists”), a brood of leftie pork-barrellers who are the sworn enemies of the Waltons.]
John-Boy: Yeah, it is noisy, isn’t it...But don’t worry, it’ll soon be over...It’s only our very own Demolition Man, the shining light of the Walton Family, cousin Malcolm...He’s just about to break through into the NBN place and drive them out of the neighbourhood...heh...heh...
Tones: Huh...are you sure he’s demolishing the wall between his place and the NBN crowd? The racket sounds so close, it’s like he’s taking an axe to our wall instead...
[Tones starts to cry, calling for his mummy.]
John-Boy: Oh quit your snivelling, boy...Bronny will be up in a minute – she’s just taking a kerosene bath, to get her make-up off...
[Nick (Minchin) Walton, who also couldn’t sleep, pipes in.]
Nick: Huh...a kero bath would only get the first layer off – sounds like she’s next door with cousin Malcolm, using an angle grinder to remove the other layers...hee...hee...Oh, and by the way, where’s brother Joe – he’s not in his bed...
Tones: Crikey! I forgot about Joe! He was carrying on like a pork chop earlier about putting a great new big tax on our Walton Family Trust, so I had to hose him down and peg him on the clothes-line to dry – the silly bugger’s been swinging in the wind ever since...heh...heh...
[Meanwhile, Dobber Nick notices that Peter (Dutton) Walton’s bed is also vacant.]
Nick: And what about Pete? He’s not in bed either...
John-Boy: Maybe he’s showing solidarity with the tobacco lobby and is outside having a smoke...
Tones: Huh...well, if he is, I hope he’s not smoking a fag from one of those packs that has Gillard’s mug on it...
John-Boy: Yeah, the ones inside the plain-jane packaging...hee...hee...
[Suddenly, the racket from next-door has got so loud, all the Waltons are starting to fear the worst – Tones’ theory, that cousin Malcolm is actually trying to break through their wall, and not the NBN’s, is in fact true. In utter fear and trepidation, they pull the blankets up and peer in abject terror over the top. As each thunderous blow from whatever fearsome weapon he is wielding loosens the brickwork, a hole gradually appears in the adjoining wall. From his bed, Tones can see straight through to the wall between cousin Malcolm’s and the NBN’s – it is unscathed – cousin Malcolm has dudded them! Then, a familiar voice booms out from the aperture.]
Malcolm: Little Walton pigs!! Little Walton pigs!! Let me come in!! Not by the hair on your chinny-chin-chin...Then I’ll huff...and I’ll puff...and I’ll blow your house in...
[After a few more mighty blows from his axe, cousin Malcolm’s sweat-laden, maniacal face appears in the gap. Mockingly, he announces his eschatological arrival.]
Malcolm: Here’s...Malcy!!!!
Tones: Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!! Daddy!!! Help!!!!! I thought you said cousin Malcolm was a shining light of the Walton family...
John-Boy: Well, he used to be – now it looks like he’s turned into The bloody Shining itself!! Good-night Tones...
Tones: Yes, good-night John-Boy...whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....
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