Everybody knows the ABC has gone to the dogs, and it’s not just its News and Current Affairs Department we’re talking about. In fact, their Children’s Programming Section is badly in need of a facelift also. But, at least there, they are trying to do something about it.
The powers-that-be have resurrected the Mr Squiggle Show and invited a hard-hitting cast to take on the roles of the main characters. Julia Gillard is playing the part of Miss Jane, Tony Abbott is the Blackboard, and Mr Squiggle himself is being played by that titled climate change contrarian, Viscount Moncton of Brenchley.
They have already had a rehearsal for the first show of the revived children’s series and, if the truth be known, it didn’t go very well. It is a far more low-budget affair than in the past, with, for example, an aquarium with only rubber boats floating aimlessly on the water but no fish. There is, also, dust all over the place, making Miss Julia sneeze. And, to make matters worse, Blackboard and Mr Squiggle were playing up, making it very hard for Miss Julia to keep them on task.
That rascal Blackboard had been the worst culprit, so Miss Julia, having had to put up with more high jinks than a person could be expected to endure, finally snapped and ordered Mr Squiggle to get into his rocket and skedaddle for the moon, whilst she dealt with the miscreant Blackboard.
So, getting him on his own, Miss Julia made Blackboard wear a specially-designed pair of red budgie smugglers. These she got made from a unique material that, when they were pulled up tightly over the bottom of his blackboard, they covered his mouth. However, what was special about the material was, when Blackboard shouted one of his rude three-word slogans, or used the S-word, the material in the budgie smugglers would constrict, making it very difficult for Blackboard to speak!
So, on the morning of the live broadcast, Miss Julia enters the dark studio, switches on the lights, gazes forlornly at the fish tank with no fish, has a sneezing fit with all the dust, and walks over to the set where Blackboard stands ready for action.
Miss Julia: Aaaaaaaaaaaatishoooooooooo! Uhhh...good morning, Blackboard...
Blackboard: STOP THE SNEEZING!!!! STOP THE BOATS in that bloody excuse for an aquarium!!!! PRIVATISE THE ABC!!!! At least then we’ll be able to afford a couple of vacuum cleaners to get rid of all this friggin’ dust!! Hurry up!! Hurry up!! Or shit’ll happen!!
Miss Julia: That’s quite enough, Blackboard!! I thought I told you at rehearsals you can’t use that sort of language on a children’s program...And where are your special budgie smugglers? If you were wearing them, you wouldn’t be able to mouth off like that...
Blackboard: I gave them to Mr Squiggle...He liked the cut of them, so he’s gone up in his rocket to the changing rooms upstairs to try them on...
[Then, speak of the devil, down comes the rocket, and out steps Mr Squiggle (aka Viscount Monckton), adorned in Blackboard’s red budgie smugglers. However, unlike Blackboard, whose mouth was covered by the aforesaid item of swimming attire, Mr Squiggle is wearing them on the region for which they were designed. “Hmmmm...” Miss Julia thinks to herself, “if Mr Squiggle plays up just like he did at rehearsals, these specially-produced speedos might just curtail his shenanigans somewhat...heh...heh...”]
Miss Julia: Good morning, Viscount...I hope you are ready for the cameras...they’ll be rolling in a minute...
Mr Squiggle (indignantly): Viscount? Bloody Viscount? I’ll have you know I’m a lot more important than a measly viscount! I’m a LORD, I’ll have you know! A member of the British House of Lords, no less...
[Sensing that Mr Squiggle is telling a porkie or making an outrageous ad hominem attack on someone, the specially-designed budgie smugglers constrict, squeezing his nuts so much, his eyes start to protrude.]
Mr Squiggle: Owwwww...ahhhhh...jeeze that hurts!
Miss Julia (whispering): And it’ll hurt a lot more if you continue to muck around...so behave yourself...
[Meanwhile, Mr Squiggle has got used to the extra pressure on his nether regions, and can’t resist the temptation to slag and bag this bitch.]
Mr Squiggle: Hey, Miss Julia...if I do too much drawing this morning, and I wear down my pencil nose, can I use yours – it’s even longer and pointier than mine...hee...hee...
[Mr Squiggle has no sooner tempted fate by asking this insulting, ungracious and silly question when, his stones are given the mangle treatment again by the bathing togs specially designed by Miss Julia. Again, his breath is taken away big time, and his eye balls bulge out even further.]
Mr Squiggle: Eeeeeekkkkk!! Ooooooouch!!
[Just then, onto the studio floor stomps the feet of a group of specially-invited ankle-biters, ready to hand over their semi-completed scribblings for Mr Squiggle to dolly-up. One of the brats stops at the aquarium, staring contemptuously therein.]
Brat: WTF! What’s this – no fish? What sort of an aquarium is this? Huh, I’m off to watch GO! instead – they’re heaps better...
Mr Squiggle: Yeah, just bugger off then! See if I care! Bloody Hitler Youth!
[Again, Mr Squiggle’s bathers do their thing and his eyes are just about ready to pop out. Meanwhile, Miss Julia has collected up all the discarded semi-completed drawings, and choofed the brats out of the studio. She orders the cameras to roll. However, every time Miss Julia puts a new partially-finished drawing on Blackboard for Mr Squiggle to finish, he manages to either insult someone or tell fibs. For example, the specially-invited studio guest star is Ross Garnaut, and Mr Squiggle asks him to comment on the weather today, “from your fascist point of view, of course...hee...hee...”
Then, Mr Squiggle reckons one of the kid’s drawings is so bad, he must be a chronic AIDS sufferer and so should be rounded up and quarantined on Nauru!
And another child’s drawing was so crap, according to Mr Squiggle, it must have been done by another member of the Hitler Youth! So Mr Squiggle finished it by turning it into a NAZI flag!
Then he finished another drawing by sketching it as a satellite crashing into the ground, saying it belonged to NASA, and they had deliberately sabotaged it, as it was sending back information that contradicted their global warming conspiracy!
He also turned one child’s scribbles into a 15th century Chinese armada that, he said, had circumnavigated an ice-free Arctic Ocean, proving that the medieval period was even warmer than today!
He even tried to flog a bottle of his “therapeutic treatment” to Miss Julia, claiming it could cure the common cold and flu, so stopping her dust-allergy sneezing would be a cake walk!
By then, however, Mr Squiggle had delivered so many ad hominem remarks and told so many fibs, his nuts felt like Joe Hockey was standing on them, and his eyes were out on stalks. Miss Julia has had a gutful of this tomfoolery and orders the cameras to cease rolling.] Miss Julia: Righto, Mr Squiggle...I think the ABC’s attempt to resurrect itself has been a dismal failure...and it’s all down to you I’m afraid...
Mr Squiggle (pleadingly): Oh please, please, please Miss Julia...give me one last chance – you know how much I love the ABC...
[Miss Julia hesitates for a moment, but then her eyes light up, indicating a cunning plan is being incubated.]
Miss Julia: Erm...alright Mr Squiggle...I think I have your next career move ready to hit the road...or the water to be more precise...heh...heh...
[Miss Julia picks up Mr Squiggle and plops him in the fish tank.]
Miss Julia: Yep, Mr Squiggle – you can just swim around in there until Sir David Attenborough turns up – I think he’s looking for examples of strange fish for his next aquatic series...hee...hee...
Blackboard: But what about me? What about my next career move?
Miss Julia: Erm...I think you’ve come to the end of the line, chum...nobody uses blackboards anymore – haven’t you heard of the Building Education Revolution...heh...heh...
