G’day Swordians
As you know, the AFL season is underway and one of the opening games is being played at the Rooty Hill Stadium. Prior to the game, however, a Celebrity Stars charity match (to help pay off Tony Abbott’s big mortgage) is underway. The two teams are the Coalition and MSM XVIII’s. The Coalition XVIII is captained by Phoney Tony, who gets his nickname for regularly feigning injuries so that he can catch his breath on the interchange bench. And, for their part, the MSM XVIII is led by that curmudgeonly veteran, “Comeback” Kerry O’Brien.
Unfortunately, however, the 2GB shock-jocks have not been able to encourage a big crowd to come along early to view the charity opener to the AFL game. In fact, only three people at this stage are present in the Rooty Hill Stadium to watch – Julian Assagne, the representative from the big Swedish company that is sponsoring the event, SAAB (“Stop All ALP Bullshit”) – and Dot and Alf, two One Nation supporters and regular listeners to 2GB.
Anyway, the charity game is a couple of minutes old and, already, Phoney Tony has scored a number of six-pointers. Playing in his usual rover position, Phoney picks up another loose ball, with no real competition from the nearest MSM player, “Shuffler” Shanahan. Phoney kicks it straight through the middle of the gap between the two big sticks. Everybody knows Shuffler is slow, but it seems that he was deliberately allowing Phoney to show him a clean pair of heels.
Then, as the game progresses, Phoney, in another contest for the ball, comes up against the opposing team’s legendary player, “Comeback” Kerry, who is well aware of Phoney’s tendency to wimp it when the going gets tough.
Comeback: Well if it isn’t the big wuss himself – haven’t seen you around since I did you like a dinner and you admitted you only spoke the truth when it was written down...heh...heh...
[Phoney is just about to get a massive hip and shoulder from Comeback, but falls over before it can be inflicted, slyly holding his hamstring. He signals to the bench and hobbles off, prima donna-style, through the interchange gate. There, the Coalition coach, Mick Murdhouse, knowing Phoney’s reputation for faking injuries, gives him a spray.]
Mick: Listen, Phoney...we need you out there – make sure you are only in contests with our sycophants playing on the MSM team...they know the score, so to speak...haw...haw...
[The Interchange Steward allows Phoney back on, and immediately he is in contest with the MSM’s back-pocket, Chris Uhlmann-Up. Earlier, the two One Nation supporters in the crowd, Dot and Alf, making monkey noises, had chucked a banana-skin at Stan Grant. Chris takes advantage of this particular object and deliberately steps on it, going head over tit. Phoney streaks away and scores another six-pointer.
In the subsequent phase, Phoney is on a roll, kicking goals left, right and centre. Per usual, most of the MSM players are doing nothing to stem the flow. Annabel Crabb, for example, is more interested in asking Phoney for his autograph. Glenn Milne is staggering around, missing so many tackles, he looks three sheets to the wind. Then, however, Phoney comes up against the MSM’s Mark “Ruckman” Riley.]
Ruckman: Hey, I’ve been meaning to catch up with you for a while, mate...Is it true you put laxatives in our quarter-time Staminade and then mocked us with, “Shit happens”, as we had to sprint to the dunnies...
[Before he could retort, Ruckman shapes to give Phoney’s nuts a very firm handshake. However, just in time, Phoney’s head starts to nod bizarrely and the Coalition medicos, claiming Ruckman caused him to have a fit, cart Phoney off, again through the interchange gate. Shortly afterwards, and true to form, Phoney makes a miracle recovery, and is soon back out on the field, making more hay.
Alan Jones rugby-tackles Phoney off the ball, serving up a gimmee right in front of the posts. Laurie Oakes, claiming he has run around enough to last him a life-time, lets Phoney have an unchallenged mark, whilst he slips a few aspirins into a glass of water, then gulping it down. Andrew Bolt is as useful as tits on a bull, misremembering the score as he kept looking up at the board, thereby not keeping his eye on his man. And on and on the farce goes, with Melissa Clarke actually cheering on the other team!
But, one of the few players on the MSM side who is actually doing their job is Laura “Tagger” Tingle. Like the terrier she is, she is snapping away at Phoney’s heels, giving him no respite.]
Tagger: Hey you...I wanna question the finances of this show you’re putting on...With only two paying customers, there must be a great big black hole in your budget – how do you expect to pay off your mortgage as a result of this debacle?
[Again, Phoney realises that discretion is the better part of valour, and collapses in a heap, feigning another injury. He is carted off once more, happy to spend more time on the interchange bench, catching his breath. He is also very happy with the score – the Coalition side is up by two hundred points and most of them are down to Phoney’s boot, albeit not without lots of assistance from many of the MSM ‘players’. The final siren goes and on the tannoy, the SAAB representative, Julian Assagne, announces Phoney as best on field. The coach, Mick Murdhouse, puts a celebratory arm around Phoney, giving him some more news.]
Mick: Hey, Phoney...we’re gonna have a press conference now...
Phoney: Awww, do I have to, boss? You know how much I hate press conferences...they suck...
Mick: Don’t worry, Phoney...You just do your usual – take a few softies from the hacks and then waltz out if you get a curly one...Oh, and by the way, we’ve got another prize to present to you, in recognition of your outstanding ability to show the few decent journos that are around, a clean pair of heels...
Phoney: That sounds like a Golden Walkley, boss...
Mick: Got it in one, maaaaate...
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